I Don't Know How...

to be a widow. I am almost 54 years old. I met DH when I was 44 and he was 47. We married when I was 45 and he was 48. He had two sons from a previous marriage; I had never been married. The only child we have together is a seven-year-old Jack Russell/Fox Terrier named Jill. We've had her since she was fifteen months old, and she's grieving just as much as I am, but in her dog-child way. I don't fit any of the stereotypes of widows--I'm not young with children, I'm not older with children and grandchildren. I'm just in the middle, and don't know what to do.

God's hand has been on us for our entire marriage, and I know it will stay on me through all of this. He kept us going when DH had to resign from his job, and worked it out for the disability claim to be approved. He worked it out for my lawsuit to be settled so that we could move to this house, in a safer neighborhood, and close to friends, family, and church. He worked it out for Mother's insurance claims to settle in a timely manner so that I will have adequate resources until DH's insurance claim is settled and the other house sells. He worked it out for me to decide to keep working when DH wanted me to retire, so now I have my job to occupy my time and the income to keep going in the style to which we've become accustomed--eating regularly, paying the utility bills, keeping fuel in the car, etc. He worked it out when my uncle refused to let me bury DH in my maternal family's lots. He hasn't settled my pain over that situation, but it will happen in His time and in His way.

I lived alone for a long time before I married DH. I knew how to take care of myself, but it was so wonderful having him to be with me. He used to laugh at me and say that I didn't know how to be married, but I think I learned to be married...and we took wonderful care of each other. Now I have a new skill to learn...how to be a widow.